I know it has been a while since I wrote. Life gets busy and I think I'm a little depressed. I find it hard to get motivated to do anything I don't want to do.
I'm writing because I'm trying to purge some feelings and thoughts that are floating around in my head. For three days now I've woken at 3:45 in the morning. I cannot sleep past that. I'm facing fear and I'm trying to win, but I'm finding it difficult. My husband and I are thinking of trying again for a baby. After what's happened to us, I'm very scared of trying again and receiving a poor diagnosis (again). I don't want to get bad news. It isn't that I don't think I can handle it — I handled it when we got it the last time and I'm here now to be writing to you as I walk through it still. I just don't want to get it. And I'm assuming that I will. It is an asinine assumption. But then I get sad, and then fearful. And then angry at myself because I know I'm thinking really irrational thoughts . . . and I cannot stop this loop when it manifests itself at 3:45 in the morning.
So instead of laying there spiraling, I thought I'd get up and at least write about it and get it out of my head a bit.
Whatever.
8 years ago
