I know it has been a while since I wrote. Life gets busy and I think I'm a little depressed. I find it hard to get motivated to do anything I don't want to do.
I'm writing because I'm trying to purge some feelings and thoughts that are floating around in my head. For three days now I've woken at 3:45 in the morning. I cannot sleep past that. I'm facing fear and I'm trying to win, but I'm finding it difficult. My husband and I are thinking of trying again for a baby. After what's happened to us, I'm very scared of trying again and receiving a poor diagnosis (again). I don't want to get bad news. It isn't that I don't think I can handle it — I handled it when we got it the last time and I'm here now to be writing to you as I walk through it still. I just don't want to get it. And I'm assuming that I will. It is an asinine assumption. But then I get sad, and then fearful. And then angry at myself because I know I'm thinking really irrational thoughts . . . and I cannot stop this loop when it manifests itself at 3:45 in the morning.
So instead of laying there spiraling, I thought I'd get up and at least write about it and get it out of my head a bit.
Whatever.
8 years ago
1 comment:
I hope writing it helped and that you got back to sleep soon after ...
There are stats and logic you can use to attack the issue of "Could this problem ever happen again?" But of course, at some level, memory always trumps stats.
Sorry that contemplating trying again is so hard.
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