Am I Guilty?

I started seeing a new therapist today. It was our first session, and she asked me about what brought me to her, which -- right now, least -- is baby loss. One of the questions she asked me was whether or not I am feeling guilty. A good question, deeper than any my other psychologist asked me about my baby loss. Hence, why I decided to try a new psychologist (that, and some other reasons, but I digress).

So the answer is YES, I am carrying a lot of guilt around with me. In the session, I told the psychologist (let's call her Dr. P) that I was feeling guilty for feeling little pleasures lately, like enjoying listening to music loudly in the car as I drive and singing along. I don't often get to drive around sans kids, and when I do, I love to blast my music. It gives me pleasure, especially when it is summer time, a balmy night, and I get to drive around with the windows down with the music up loud (but not so loud that it bothers people in other cars -- I hate that!) It makes me feel good, but as soon as I realize I'm feeling good, a wave of guilt passes over me . . . like I should be mourning. I lost a baby. What happened was sad. It isn't right to feel good yet -- or is it?

I feel guilty that I didn't take my prenatal vitamins faithfully; they made me sick. I couldn't take them in the morning, or I'd be sick at work. Try barfing in front of teenage students -- mmm, not so good. I moved them to my bedside, trying to remind myself to take them at night before I went to sleep instead, but my bedside was so cluttered I often forgot. Or I was just so damn tired from being pregnant, I feel asleep at 7:30 p.m. and didn't wake up to do anything, including wash my makeup off and brush my teeth, let alone take a vitamin. Did that cause the Dandy-Walker, which led to hydrocephalus? I don't know. I'll never know, but I'm guilty that I didn't take that vitamin because maybe that was a cause.

I feel guilty I drank that Diet Coke -- the caffeinated kind. They say you're not supposed to have caffeine when you're pregnant, you know, but I had some. After I was through the first trimester, I switched from decaffeinated to caffeinated . . . it helped me wake up in the morning. After that during the day I drank sugar free Crystal Light and water . . . but the Diet Coke. I just couldn't stay away.

And I got my hair dyed . . . you're not supposed to do that, either.

But the choice itself? The choice to terminate? It is complicated. Given our disastrous diagnosis, the fact that our son would not live, or that if he did, he would have no quality of life, I do not regret our decision. There was no gray area with our diagnosis; it was not "iffy." It was pretty clear, according to the pediatric neurosurgeon, that there was no hope. (They have to leave a little window open to cover their butts, but we could read between the lines.) After all the diagnostic testing was done, it was evident to DH and I what our decision would be. Given the same scenario again -- God forbid! -- I would do the same thing. DH and I thought about the quality of life issue for Michael, about the lives of our living children and how they would be impacted, and about our marriage. We knew it would take a toll on our marriage, if not kill it, and neither of us wanted that.

No, I don't have any guilt that way . . . and yet I do. In my most forlorn moments, crying deeply in the shower -- which is the only private place for me to do so with two small kids -- I have cried out to Michael to forgive me. Way back on a really, really bad day (June 12) I posted that question on my support site: Does my dear angel son forgive me? I don't have an answer to that. That is where my guilt lies. I think so, if what I've heard and read about angels, spirits, and those who have "crossed over" is true. But I haven't "felt" his presence, in a dream or otherwise, so . . . I just don't know.

Does God forgive me? (I am almost certain so, but then convert-Catholic guilt factors in . . . I haven't been to Confession yet? So technically, I'm not absolved.) I still have to resolve the spiritual issues that surround my HC. I will; I'm working on that. It's almost like I'm "shopping" for a priest I can confess to . . . "Mmm, homily was a little too conservative today -- you're off the prospective Confession list!" And then again, do I really need to "confess" something that I know was the right thing to do? Weirdly, I feel like I do. I don't know why. Maybe it has to do with the sanctity of life, because it is sacred, you know? I never willingly wanted to make that HC. I was a good person with no good choices.