Willing to Try Again

I had a dream last night (one of the few that I ever remember because my sleep is pretty crappy still) that I got pregnant accidentally, and it was sooner than the "three or four or five" cycles that my doctor said should pass before we tried again. And I was panicked because it was too early. I don't remember much else from the dream other than the anxious feeling of being pregnant. Not joyful. Apprehensive.

In the surreal three days that it took to complete my HC, I was already thinking about the possibility of trying to conceive again. Frankly, it scared the living s*** out of me, the possibility that I could get pregnant again and have to make another HC. (Because, of course, the way I think, it would happen again.) I sat there in the clinic, in my papery disposable "gown" waiting for unspeakable things to be done to my body. There were other girls in the room with me, waiting. One of them broke the uneasy silence of the room -- well it wasn't completely silent; there was a stupid TV on showing an episode of "Reba" that none of us were watching -- and voiced the question, "How long do you need to wait before you can try again?" I looked at her like she was nuts, and I said that I was done. "I'm not doing this again. I don't want there to even be a chance that I could experience this again." Pitifully, this was her first experience with pregnancy; her first go at it and the baby's diagnosis was Trisomy 18 (very non-compatible with life). I, with two living children, at least took solace in that; I could go home and hug them like I was never going to let them go. And I did, believe me.

I was surprised when, probably a day or two after my procedure had been completed, I had changed my mind! Should I try to conceive (TTC) again? And, if so, when? I was desperate for a baby. (Of course I wanted Michael.) Does DH want to try again? I tried to bring it up casually, but we both agreed that it was too soon to think about it. I dropped the subject, but I thought about it constantly. I prayed about it in church to God: Will you let me know when (and if) we should try again? I thought about going to see a medium; maybe she could say something that would give me some insight into what we should do. I kept my eyes open when I was out and about: when I encountered cranky kids or screaming toddlers I thought maybe God was telling me the two I had was enough. I noticed how restaurants just seemed to be set up for fours, not fives. Booths seat four comfortably; the rides at Disneyland seat four to a Alice in Wonderland gondola; Rockband is set up for four players . . . but my mind would fight back. "Yeah, but, we have room for six at our dinner table. And the kids wouldn't fight in the backseat of my car if the car seat with their cute brother or sister was put in the middle of them." Gradually, my maniacal mind settled down a bit and I even thought I would be okay if DH came back to me and told me he didn't want to try again. That would just be it. I could live with all of that.

But DH surprised me last Saturday night.

He had just returned from a week away from us. When he is away, he misses us (especially me) terribly. He is very "clingy" (in a good way) when he returns, so we spent much of the night talking in bed after the kids fell asleep. He said he had done some thinking, and he believes we should try again. He misses Michael a lot, but he thinks a baby would be good for us. He thought about what I had said, about wanting to experience a pregnancy together from beginning to end without having to be deployed or worrying about being deployed, as it happened with DS. He wanted to experience our child's life without having a deployment interrupt it, as it had for 18 months shortly after DD was born. The whole enchilada, so to speak . . . Michael was supposed to be the baby that helped that dream come to a fruition, except that the dream got dashed and all the other dreams that came with Michael were cut abruptly short. The threat of deployment is no longer in the picture--although with the Army I've learned never to count on anything too much, but DH has said he'll retire if he sees a deployment down the line. I just want that experience with my husband: a pregnancy that he's there for AND a baby to raise with me afterwards without having to take a hiatus for months at a time. He wants that, too. That and we just didn't want to end our childbearing on a sour note. A true bundle of joy, one more living child . . . that's the way I want to end. On a more positive note.

To say that I was very happy is an understatement. My mood was lifted. There is something to plan for and to look forward to, even though I know I'll be a nervous wreck. A naively blissful pregnancy is no longer an option for me. There's a lot to do to plan for this next one. A preconception appointment with Dr. OBGYN, which I've never done before. I always got pregnant and went in afterwards. I need to bulk up on Folic Acid. I need to lose weight and get healthy, which I've already started to do in case DH said he was willing. (And I'm doing it for myself, too, of course.) There's the grief to process . . . we're going to wait a bit, but at least we're on the same page as far as where to go from here.